Judy Moody

Yes, a distinct change in mood has been noted. Not just by me it seems, but also by others and there is some proof in my bank balance (or lack of).
Over the duration of the past week I have found myself spending hundreds of dollars on materialistic things that I really do not need, and at times emptying my purse with absolutely nothing to show for it at the end of the day ???
Yesterday I found myself killing time at Pacific Fair, so I anticipated a lengthy walk around the shops and possibly grabbing a few Christmas presents. Yes well, some purchasing did take place but the only person who will be receiving any of these gifts is me! Yes, I bought new shoes (!) and accessories as well as some new Chanel mascara.
So as I have floated through the past few days (and I chose that word as I have found myself not taking direction, rather flowing with it) and there are only two things that I have felt.
The first one is guilt. Although I really couldn't give a toss what I spend my money on, an element of guilt sets in when I can longer afford those shoes, that dress, those earrings... Yeah, I'm a bloody idiot but my taste restricts me to stores with a no returns policy.
The second, is feeling as though I can't breathe. I can no longer restrict it to a few instances, rather that I believe myself to have lost the ability to breathe deeply. I feel laboured with a tight feeling beneath my sternum as though I may never feel at ease again. At night as I am courting sleep, I wake up gasping for breath.
Sometimes I try and fight it. I tell myself that it's all in my head - that my lungs are fine and I can breathe as deeply as I wish. I resist the urge to gasp, and continue with my tidal breathing until I think I'm going to die and give in. (It's much like holding your head under water and trying so hard not to think about drowning or how badly you need to take a breath - until you cannot take it a second longer and emerge from what may have become a watery grave.)
So no matter how much I try and convince myself that everything's ok, it still turns out not to be. No matter how much I try and save, I still manage to spend. I tell myself that I will never know the person I was last weekend again, but I plan on misbehaving this coming Saturday night. And so I am torn as to whether I am actually my alter ego in disguise, and it is not until now that I have really surfaced?
I know this is not just in my imagination. I have had comments from those around me as to my shift in mood and outlook. It was only today that my manager asked me to have a sit down conversation with her in which she demanded to know what was happening. Apparently my previously effective "Nothing" is wearing a bit thin, so when she did not accept this I walked away mumbling to myself to cover the sound of her frustrated tone.
It was after this that I finally realised the abnormality of my behaviour. If my seemingly emotionless boss sensed a change of personality, the fact is that there is one. I hate that she's right and I hate that there's nothing I can do about it but most of all I hate that I'm even in this bother.
I just wish sometimes you could tear a page out of your diary and make it go away. Tear out a day to make that argument disappear, tear out a week to get rid of those appointments, or dare I remove a fistful in the hopes of finding the person I used to be? Or at least the person who was oblivious to everything that she's aware of now.