A New Me

I have always had trouble talking about my feelings, and I now believe that it was this characteristic that contributed to the deep depression I am only just finding my way out of. It was a combination of not having anyone close enough to listen, and me not feeling able to trust those around me; not because these individuals had proven themselves unworthy, but because I had been burnt too many times before to ever allow it to happen again.
It has only been since the magnitude of my illness hit its peak, that I realised my behaviours and defense mechanisms really weren't doing my soul any justice. As I have tried to re-shape every aspect of my being into a functional and polished new me, teaching myself to trust people that I am not paying has been something I have slowly been chipping away at. Mostly, it has surprisingly been a positive experience. Mrs Boss is one such individual who has become privy to particulars that I would have previously categorized as 'non-disclosure'.
The evolution of our relationship was surprisingly easy. Mrs Boss was perhaps better acquainted with my personal flaws than others, and despite this, she had never expressed any judgement towards me. This made me feel safe to reveal pieces of myself that have previously been hidden carefully behind a mask I created. I was proud of myself for letting these fragments peek through, but in doing so am a little surprised I didn't try it sooner. Not only did I not cause anyone to put a cow bell around my neck and send me for the hills, but the advice Mrs Boss gave me about the everyday concerns I voiced was actually really helpful and reassuring. Many of my thoughts and feeling were normalized, and also I was given helpful suggestions in how I could manage them better. I was so pleased with how positive my experience was, that I felt like I had a new outlook on the world and how I saw myself in it. I had been trying to remind myself of this positive experience since then, and tried to apply this characteristic to every day that followed.
After seeing Dr A. yesterday to investigate particular changes I had noticed relating to an existing medical condition, I found myself feeling rather flat as a result of her provisional diagnosis. It bothered me so much that it followed me home, and when I couldn't shake the familiar depressed state I found myself in, I gave Mrs Boss a friendly phone call in the hopes that she would ground me as she had unknowingly done the previous week. We chatted as we do, before Mrs Boss asked me a question that she had never previously been able to, as I would never previously have answered it. Are you okay? I told her about my day, and how it had played on my mind until that moment, and was thankful for the rational yet sympathetic response she gave me. Mrs Boss was able to normalize my feelings, but also challenge my thoughts in what I felt was a very CBT-like approach. I was thankful for this, but also for being able to get it out of my head and my chest, enough for me to live out the rest of the evening without eventuating to what would have become previously dark thoughts of self-harm or suicidal ideation.
A degree of my negative thought hangover followed me to work today, but I wasn't fully aware of it until one of my colleagues told me that I looked worried. I denied it, but that of course prompted me to start the swirl negative feelings pumping from my heart. I came home to my hungover room mate who was in the mood for a chat, so I let my habitual guard down and just mentioned that there was a possibility that I could have a degree of insulin resistance. The response that I got was "Oh, really?" before she launched herself into some story from the drunken night before involving a friend of a friend, and a guy I had never met.
I'm not sure how to pin point the exact feeling I had at this point. If you combined rejected, minimized and deflected, threw in a swift kick to the chest and vomited insignificance over the top, it may start to resemble how I felt. I started to get annoyed for allowing myself to be put in such an emotionally vulnerable situation, before my new defense mechanism by the name of 'CBT' kicked in, and I rationalized that my room mate's response to my concerns was not a reflection on my self worth or the degree of my personal issues, rather a reflection of her own self absorption and selfishness.
My feelings of rejection have been lessened by reminding myself of my theories on my room mate's psychology, but I still have a degree of regret about not being able to predict this response from her before getting myself in this emotional situation. Now instead of just dealing with the initial worry of my potential health complication, I now also have the feeling of emotional sabotage and violation to accompany it. My CBT defense is having a bit more of a problem trying to diffuse that one.