I have become socially unacceptable; I have built a wall between the world and myself. I can't knock it down, even for my closest friends, and every exchange stabs me a little more, because I don't want to be so far away. Every smile I don't return, and every time I turn my back makes me scream inside my head - but the parasitoid controls me. As much as I want to keep them close, they drift further and further away until I fear there will be no-one left willing to fight for me.

Sunset

It's raining. I knew it would hours ago as the sunset peeked through a canopy of black clouds. I couldn't help but notice how sad they looked, and instantly thought them to resemble my heart. Now the sky is crying, and I'm envious. I can't look away as the tears shower the city and blur everything beyond my window. I wish I knew how to join in.

After talking to Mrs Boss last week perhaps she convinced me that I am a little better than I was, even though I didn't really believe it. She must be right though; I have been going out more, haven't given in to myself in weeks and although I still think about dying, perhaps not in quite as longing a way as I have previously?
No. Today I feel like I've hit a wall. I couldn't get out of bed. I only showered because I felt suffocated in my own skin and hoped the running water would let it breathe again. Memories of my thoughts, desires and failures have plagued my mind and I have been re-visiting possibilities I have previously dismissed. The more I think, the clearer it all becomes. It is my truth, it is for me, and for once I don't care how it will affect anyone else. It's my life, not yours.

Good Friday

After today's Stations of the Cross, I went to confession.

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. It has been 2 years since my last confession.

He welcomed me back and listened to my sins, then told me to talk to my mum about my problems. It would have been cute if it weren't such an unrealisitic suggestion?
The only pennace he gave me was one Hail Mary. One? I got ten of them when I was mean to my brother when I was 7. Perhaps I'm not as bad a person as I used to be.

Happy Easter

I came home to an Easter egg on my bed with a note that read:

Happy Easter.
Sorry you are on your own.
Love you
Gma

Thanks for the thought. And reminding me.