I am losing myself and I don't know how to stop myself from letting go. Every facet of my existence has shifted, so much so that I have no idea who I am, what I think or how to feel.
Today I survived, even if only just. I woke to swollen eyes and dark circles, which I would expect from crying all of the previous night, except that I didn't. I have a heaviness within me as if my eyes have so much they have to say, but have forgotten how. I believe that my core has finally emptied itself so that I have nothing left to feel. I don't care that I rely on drugs to sleep, or that I'm exhausted all of the time despite them. Who would notice that 5kg have evaporated or that I keep to myself to avoid a public outburst of anxiety? Should I care that my phone doesn't ring, or be bothered by the fact that someone thinks I belong in a psychiatric institution?
I should care, and I probably do beneath the layers of numbness and emptiness that encase my soul. But for now I cannot see it, I cannot believe or even accept it. I cannot feel anything.
Can I bleed it out like some 19th Century disease? Can I cut it away like the malignancy it has become? Can I fill the emptiness with a cocktail of drugs to make me better?
I don't have the answer, and maybe never will. I just have to trust in tomorrow being a little easier, a little better and perhaps a little more like I used to be. Until then I have the hours, the hours between now and then, and within those hours who knows what I will find.