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My heart is full. It is full of lead; or at least that's what it feels like, compressing every inch of my fighting spirit so that I feel buried beneath reality. It controls every aspect of my being, so much so that there is no remedy. No music loud enough to cover the screaming of my heart, no poetry or prose, no 'right' time of day, and as much as I want to, I can't pick up the phone. I have re-read my memoirs from over 4 years ago and they frighten me. This is the re-birth of something big and I don't want to go any further, but I don't think I can stop myself. My mind is already moving towards the blackness and my soul is aching. All that is holding me back is the tiny piece of logic and fear I have left inside. I wish I could convince myself that everything will be okay, but I honestly couldn't believe it. I feel so isolated. My fingers are starting to slip and I just don't know what to do.